Whambulance
by FidgetByName
Summary: Headcannon on the events that occur in-between the edge of the town and arriving at the hospital in In the Name of the Brother. Mainly me just enjoying Killian freaking the crap out about modern technology/generally being a big baby.


AN: I'm sorry I've been such a sausage about updating. Here's a little thing to accompany my apology.

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Can't do that thing, that keepin' still_  
-Spring Awakening, "Totally F*****"_

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"No, no, _no_!" Hook yelled.

Everything was wrong. Everything was terrible.

He had wounded the Crocodile's heart, so _that_ was good at least.

But everything had pretty much gone downhill from there.

Pain. Lots of pain was happening.

Like when he was little more than a boy, first learning how to work on a ship. He had once tripped on a rope, got his foot tangled in it, and wound up hoisted skywards and swung face-first into the mast. The present was not unlike that at all. Except so much worse.

Then Emma came – that was a bright spot at least.

And shortly thereafter the Crocodile had nearly murdered him. That's where things started going to dogs again.

And next thing he knew there was a piercing din slicing through the air, blasting his eardrums.

And now some strange people, nay, prodding degenerates were attempting to shove him into this odd metal cage.

Well that was one thing Captain Hook would not sand – well, _lie_ – for this evening.

"Sir, we're going to need to you to calm down," one of the ignorant curs dared command him.

"Don't '_sir_' me! And unhand me _now_!"

"Sir, we're trying to help you."

"And you are doing a fabulous job in convincing me of that," his injuries doing nothing to lessen the bite of his sarcasm.

"Hook, shut up and let them put you in the ambulance." His Swan girl had reappeared at his side. He stopped thrashing.

"And what will become of me? Where are they taking me?"

She sighed in that way she always did with him. Trying to come off as though she were completely fed up, but with a certain light in her eye that let him know she was amused. "They're taking you to the hospital – healers," she amended for his benefit, "to patch you back up."

"Why would anyone here care to – "

He had remained still enough, and was so focused on the Sheriff that the EMTs were finally able to haul the stretcher into the ambulance.

"Wait – HEY! WHAT!" One of the suspiciously uniformed men grabbed a stethoscope and was about to check his heart rate. "What are you bloody doing with that?!" And Hook's outburst proceeded as before.

"Sheriff, do you think you might ride with us? You seem to be the only one who can calm him down. Also you informed us there's no next of kin, so you are his emergency contact."

She paused. This sounded like the antithesis of a good time. Not that the night was bound to be full of fun in any case. And there didn't seem any way around it; the longer they stayed here the greater the chance of Gold killing the leather-clad swashbuckler. The other EMTs had already confirmed there was nothing they could do about the newcomer for now. This wasn't a situation she could stall; they needed to get to the hospital.

She flagged down David and told him to follow in the squad car with Mary Margaret.

Before he could object she climbed into the ambulance and shut the door behind her, then told the driver to gun it.

Hook had not relented in fighting off the EMT with the stethoscope.

"You are not coming near me with that bloody contraption!"

"It's a stethoscope!" the paramedic countered.

"Yes, I find that such a comfort," Hook sneered. "Sounds like a torture devi-"

"_Hook!_" He gave Emma his full attention. "It's not going to hurt you."

The paramedic resumed approaching the wounded-but-still-fearsome captain slowly. Hook allowed it, but looked wary still.

"There. Wasn't so bad was it?"

"No – but I assure you I would have come to that conclusion on my own if someone had just deigned to explain the blasted procedure to me."

Emma rolled her eyes.

She turned to look out the window. David was right behind them. While Gold was nowhere to be seen, she knew he couldn't be far off.

"No, _no!_ Swan they're trying to kill me!"

She turned back to the pirate. "That's an oxygen mask. It's to help you breathe."

"I'm breathing just fine thanks. Been doing it on my own for more than 300 years now with no problem…"

"God you're stubborn – you have an abdominal injury."

"Precisely," the paramedic chimed in. "This is simply protocol."

Emma shook her head and waved her hand to tell the EMT to forget it. There was going to be very little reasoning with him.

One of the technicians was about to begin checking his ribs in aims of finding out if they were fractured or just bruised. The cycle began again.

"What do you think you're doing!?"

The EMTs looked at Emma in despair.

"They're doing their job and finding out how damaged you are."

"I'm fine."

"She prodded his torso. Not only did Killian Jones' body recoil, but he yelled out in pain "_Mother of-_"

"No, you're not," she said in pitiful attempt to mimic him and his words atop the beanstalk.

"Oh. Very funny. I'd laugh, but you already know how I feel about that right now. Bad form, darling."

During this time, an IV was being prepared. While he was distracted looking at the Savior, the paramedic was very close to connecting it before Hook noticed.

"_Gods above!_ The other things may have an explanation, but there's no chance in any of the realms that you're shoving a needle in me! Swan, clearly you can see they've been employed to assassinate me!"

She caught the eye of the EMT holding a syringe.

She stood up and leaned over the pirate. "Hook, listen to me. I promise you the only person who is going to kill you is _me_ in retribution to you being a pain in my ass."

And before his eyebrow could get all the way up to full-on smirk position the syringe had been plunged into his vein.

There was a brief moment where surprise flashed across his face.

And then he was out.

The remainder of the drive to the hospital passed in silence.


End file.
